


Satirical Steps in Hell

by SteampunkCow



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Angst, Apocalypsestuck, Daddy Issues, Death, Fighting, Gore, Irony, M/M, Sarcasm, Sass, Satire, Scars, Step Brothers, Stridercest - Freeform, Strifing, Survival, Trust Issues, Violence, Zombies, Zombiestuck, virusstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-05-12
Packaged: 2018-01-24 13:25:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1606742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteampunkCow/pseuds/SteampunkCow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(So another freaking rp from cherubplay..) zombie apocalypse struck and everything went to shit. Dave Strider has found his place in a safecamp thats organized an,d well, it works.<br/>Then Dirk Lalonde comes along. He has a tendency to disrupt things. </p><p>(Literally just different last names. The same badass as normal)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Everyone has thought about it at least once, about what would happen if the world ended, every one had made their own theories , some more realistic then others but, no on had ever thought that this idea would become reality, not after all those games and movies, most of the people even thought of it as a prank in the beginning.. that was, until they realized that their fantasies had become reality which was pretty frightening.

It started out small as previously mentioned, no one really thought of it as real before people started to die and come back to life and even though they were 'alive' again the people werent the same. They would attack other people and eat them, yes, eat them. tear apart their flesh and consume it like there was nothing wrong in it, not that they knew. Soon these things started to become worse and, in no time at all, it started to spread everywhere, like a plague.

Panics started to form, people started to flee and due to all this, more people died and soon enough most of the population had become a 'walker' as the undead were later called, most survivors had formed camps and people started to meet up to save all that was left, even though there wasnt much. Dave was in one of these camps, he had traveled far, really far. After all, he couldnt have stayed in the apartment which he usually lived in, the place was overrun by walkers and he.. just happened to live at the top of the fucking building. He sighed, looking out in front of him as people started to enter the camp which they build up and protected from walkers, it was actually a small town which they barricaded. He started wondering as he looked at the people, maybe he knew some of them? what if he did?

Ever since his brother got bitten and decapitated he was alone until he made it this far and stayed here in order to protect since he was pretty handy with his katana but well, just like at school, most people didnt even bother to speak to him. no matter where he went and even during this, he was still on his own. it made him wish he still had his brother, it made him wish that there was still some sort of communication possible through internet or phone.. so he could just speak with the friends which he had lost contact with after all this went down. he just, didnt want to be alone anymore.

Dirk had never really given much thought to what he would do in a zombie apocalpyse... or anything cataclysmic to say the least. He'd never come up with any plans of where to go, or what food he'd stash somewhere. It had all seemed pointless. Soon as the first signs of the reckoning had perked- he soon discovered that one- his mom had been a healthy supporter of the 'just in case' theories. When the walkers had overrun their neighborhood, Dirk had found that not only did she have a fully stocked bunker, scarves, liquor and cats included, but she also had more of a stockpile of weapons than he himself had. That was good. Based on these findings, as he hid out for the first few weeks of the chysm, Dirk had hoped to hell that his mom or sisters would return-futile of course, they were off in go knows where texas getting ready to give off their mom to some guy named Strider. Broderick. Of all the names. (he truly didnt understand any parents metholodical naming ritual of scoring through encyclopedias of silliness to choose something unique. To say the most, Dirk hadn't been too excited about the engagement. He'd never even met this guy or his family. One kid, he had been told. Not like those old personal matters bore any weight with him now.. For a while they had, just in the beginning. He lugged his family around with him after he left Washington state- remotely he had an idea of trekking through the overrun lands to Texas- and there he'd find them... but after months, even a few years, Dirk had given that up and just fallen in with what he did best. Close out the pain and survive. Eventually he did find one of his sisters, Roxy.. but that encounter didn't exactly end well.. and of course it had to be in damn lousiana. Shit just went down in the joke of states. Always a lovely rued thought on Dirks mind. The years on the run had changed Dirk, he didn't trust anyone. He never joined one of those camps where everyone had a false sense of security right up until some zombro chomped on their jugular. He'd had one too many bad experiences. Including being left in the new mexico desert with half a cantine of water and his katana. Looking back, at least he had survived that hell of a hot learning experience. On his return, he had taught some particulars what he had learned. -Now however, Dirk had found himself in Texas... Finally, for all it was worth... it was nothing special. Just hot, and crowded. For the apocalpse, he meant, there were a lot of people... He had gotten pulled in with a crowd of nomads that had deigned it upon themselves to maintain peace for all~ which meant he couldnt get himself politely out of the way. Not to mention, that merry party had the good sense to head right into a city. One of those towns that had been saved by an organized score. Now built up to accomodate more than plenty. -Cattle. Thats what Dirk felt like, cattle. The group was being herded in through the narrow gates of the town with whoops of 'finally a safe place' and even some already remarking about the homely exterior. He groaned and pulled the orange scarf he wore about his head closer. He had gotten in the habit after he had journied in the wastelands- the sun had gotten hotter, therefore- the desert just got bitchier. He wearily watched the crowd as they all stumbled in, tired on their feet... His own, he swore he couldve gone on at least for days. His hightops were still pretty usable. And lord knew jeans were durable. His shadowed eyes raised to where the rest of them were drooling- a podium. oh look, its a welcome party.

●: After all of the new residents of the camp came in the gates closed, guards came up to calm the people don who had needed it, the people might have gotten in but it all wasnt over yet, they didnt just let everyone in after all. This camp was build up with healthy people, the age didnt really matter. if someone died it got quickly taken care of, they couldnt have any risks. These tasks however were carried out by a certain team of people who could actually fight for survival, these people were the ones who made the camp strong, as for the others.. te others were the kind of people who didnt dare to fight, had no guts.. didnt ant to believe and face that all of this was real.

Dave looked up, people started assembling in front of the stage, this was where it was his turn. Since people never really fared to speak in on him or whatever else he was the one who got assigned to this job. people rather avoided dave in the camp after all, one, because of his position in the group and two he had doe some things in and before he entered the camp in order to survive after his brother got bit, he had to travel this state all alone this whole time until he found this camp.

He walked towards the stage, adjusting his shades and moving his hands into his pockets. His clothes were simple, yet not dirty, a white v neck shirt with a red vest over it, black pants and his red allstars. he didnt dress in way too difficult clothes and just for today he dressed neatly, he didnt want to appear in blood soaked clothes after all. he looked around, lookign through the crowd one more time before he spoke up.

"so yeah, yall better shut your mouth and listen up. welcome to this camp, i know yall probably had a long trip and most of you just want to lay down and sleep but that aint happening just yet, were going to divide you people in groups, our other guards are going to search for shit like bite marks, yknow the shit we need to worry about, after all we dont want any unwanted things to happen in the camp. after this, im sure some of you will be gone and some of you will remain. for those who remain, we will all give you a task, a home and a fresh set of clothes, of course theres water and some food. now i do want you to know that you shouldnt take all of this for granted, some of you will have to go out and support us all by finding supplies, we all help one other, we all listen to one another and causing any trouble will not be tolerated. for our sake and for more importantly your sake, keep things clean. further instructions will be given by the guards, if you stay honest and dont hide things, shit will get easier for the both of us. thanks for the understanding"

With this, dave soon went off stage, starting to walk to a group of people which he would late check.

 

-  
Did he mention how he felt like cattle? Yeah, add that again on the mark, because hell. Dirk was right in the assumption that these places were solely for the purpose of Darin's grand scheme. Lets toss out the weak and the shifty, maybe afterwards we'll all go to mcdonalds and talk about evolution and how hella lucky we are that we arent the other side. Raise a glass to the enimity that was now taking root in Dirks eyes, unseen to the others beneath his scarf. Dirk crossed his arms across his chest, feeling his sleeves roll up his arms with the action. He flexed his hands- the familiar worn black leather of his gloves creasing as he curled and uncurled his fingers, trying not to seem to annoyed with the process. Of course, it was his practice to maintain an air of indifference to ritual and a lack of respect to any authority other than his mom. Bless her drunken soul wherever she was. With a scoff muffled into his scarf he brushed off the approach of some eager and curious newcomers. Dumb asses, he looked more sand beaten and worn out than the rest of them did yet he still kept it cool. Cool as one could get when they were being fuckin' selected like choice stock at a slave drive. It was what, te twenty first, twenty second century? What type of treatment was this- safetly be damned, it just irked him. 'm' sure some y'all be gone n' some remain' Damn way to make it point blank, tex, Dirk would rather take his business else where... but from the look of those guards, a shady crook looking guy as himself wouldnt be takin 'mighty kindly' without a visa. As if he hadnt jumped over the border already, headscarf and all. Jesus.. ok his humor had suffered without human specimens to test his satire on.. Disgruntledly, the tall, muscled, boy took a vantage point near the edge of the crowd, the sun beating on him in a way that made him long for the misty afternoons in Washington where he could just sit back and spar in the cold with one of his robots. "and i thought equality had died, huzzah. darwinism shall rise again. scientology the runner up." He muttered almost inaudibly to himself, half wondering if anyone would notice him in his strange stillness.


	2. Chapter 2

●: He walked around the crowd, seeing the guards do their work as he sighed, his eyes darting over the heads in front of him. no matter how he looked at it, none of all of those people looked like people he knew. dave was certain most of his friends had died as well. Within minutes, he noticed that the guards were picking people out of the group, possibly for further inspection for infection or the treatment of wounds. he took a deep breath, he hated crowds like this, mostly because he was surrounded by people the whole time back in texas, of course his future goals contained entertaining a lot of people as well but this was different.

Dave didnt differ much from Dirk in build but he was less buff and just a tad shorter then he was, his cheeks were lightly freckled and his skin was pale, even during this kind of weather. he was already in luck with his shades for blocking most of the sunlight. when he looked around for a little while longer his eyes fell on the pointy shaded person wearing an orange scarf, his eyes widening slightly at the sight. From his point the person in front of him looked exactly like his bro, the pointy anime shades, the way his hair fell, the way he was built, everything, it made him stumble forward slightly, why did this person remind him so much of his bro? it probably wasnt even him and he was probably just seeing things.

With that, he didnt even notice he was moving closer to the person, his eyes fixed on him through shades and his hands remaining in his pockets, no matter how he looked at it, this person resembled him in every way.. he was just younger and of course, wearing a scarf instead of a hat. In no time, he was standing in front of you, his eyes scanning Dirk one more time before he finally noticed what he was doing, he sighed at himself again, now he definitely had to play it cool and act it up like he was the one going to do a little research on him.

"sup" he just simply stated as he looked at you, one hand moving out of his pocket to adjust his shades once more. "so i gotta get to know like, a few things before we start gettin down to business , first shit is basic information like your name and where youve come from, second is from how long youve been on the road and how many walkers youve killed. the third one is about how many people youve killed and why youve done that shit, its easy as is, we just want you to be honest with us. we aint judgin ya on nothin here"

: Dirk sighed, of course it was Chex Tex Mix who would approach him first... with a noncomittal huff he didnt even bother to move his scarf to show his face. Only his shades were visible, but even then, his whole head was bundled in the layered orange fabric. . Sure it looked silly, but Dirk fancied that he looked like an anime-shiek from LOZ the apocalpyse of time.. ha ha. He looked down at Dave and raised an unseen eyebrow, making a slight click noise in the back of his throat. When he spoke his voice was rough and gravelly from the years without use, but once it could be taken for a choral tenor. "You can call me D. L. ... Im from the yukon, why not, its nice n' cold up there anyways. And damn dont we all know that canada is better than this political heap back in the day." He began, already decided that he would save the truth for someone that needed it.. hm maybe he'd even fake a canadian accent, but he decided against that shenanigan. "Ive been on the road since the start. So a couple years, give or take a few dustly sugarcoated duple'ts. .. how many biters have I punked? Y'know thats a good question, marshal tex, take a sword, multiply it by hordes to the x power of days, and divide it by the times i got lazy and the answer is a bitch load... " Dirk paused in his almost serial comedy schtick to hook his fingers in his pockets, "people Ive killed? Lost count of that too and I dont bother much t' take that gleeful tally."

 

Dave listened to the guy ramble on on front of him, raising his brow at the answers he was giving, up until now he only believed half of what he was saying, the person in front of him was clearly taking this like a game, saving up the truth for moments that really seemed to matter. Well there he went wrong, this was a matter that actually did matter, he didnt like liars. As the person stopped talking he nodded slightly and turned his head a bit, looking to the ground before looking back at him.

"i aint sure if youre seein me as an idiot but i know for fucking sure that half of the shit youre tellin is a lie, yaint from canada. " he frowned at this moment, moving his hand through his hair before finally moving it back into his pocket. "listen up dude, i want your full name, not just a small part of it, or is this the point where id have to start guessin to make it all fun and games? well let me tell you something here, this aint fun and games and itll never be, were in a serious situation here and if you want to remain in the spot you are you better tell me the truth. sorry to be harsh on ya but thats the rules, as far as i know you might be some fucker from this other camp tryin to infiltrate in our shit and take our stuff from us, leavin us to nothin but bait for those hungry rotten meatsacks "

Here he smirked, leaning forward slightly as he cocked his head "are we on the same page here dude or do i have to explain it again? "

 

Dirk snorted, not intimidated in the slightest by the other. He waved a hand and almost laughed before he cocked his head to the side, tilting his gaze to look down at the other. He sighed, nobody could ever handle humor. This was the problem with society nowadays, either youre cannibalistic and a perfectly qualified taste tester of humanity's latest flavour, or you have a stick up your ass and you wouldnt even think monty python is funny. Tsk it wasnt like he was speaking finnish, it was english. And he was funny. Pitstop here just didnt get it. "Look here, texas pete, I'm from Washington, thats the goddamn neighbor of the maple soaked tundras of flip-diddly canada. My name isnt particularly important, so you can blink the tears of grief from your eyes, cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it. I gave you one. DL, thats what my friends called me, and thats what you will call me. .. I was honest to god, regarding my killing habits. Morality rates havent exactly risen in my time if you get my drift. And I've had no problem cutting the numbers if need be. Anything else you'd like to know? Would you like fries with that?" His voice had grown serious, without any warning from his external expression. Not so much as a muscle out of place from his sarcastic position. His poker face was perfect, scarf or no scarf.

 

This person really had his way with words and he was sure of it, the way he spoke just set him into riddles he had to solve immediately, he spoke just like his older brother used to and this happened to confuse him to no ends, it wasnt like he disliked it, it was just more like some kind of first class sass master just stood in front of him, making the better of it, outdoing him in his own game. He didnt even want him to be intimidated, he just wanted his point to get across.

When Dirk mentioned washington he couldnt help but think back at the person who used to live there, john egbert, his former best bro. this thought kind of drove him back to john, at how he was right now and if he was even alive, he could never be sure until the day would come that he did see him. He couldnt stay long in these thoughts however, rolling his eyes behind his shades as he searched for a comeback answer, this guy was good and he had to admit it, in fact it was just what he searched for in his team.

"directly puttin me in the same boat as your friends from back in the time dude? you sure you need to bring in those old stories and relive the golden days when they were still happening? Whatever, if it loosens ya up or makes you go to your happy place which you so desperately need in times of these i will call you DL and then you would just have to live on with the fact that youre going to call me DS, sure, it does sound like a game console but thats the fun of it, its ironic at the same time and thats what im rootin for. If yaint givin me your full name then i aint doin that shit either mister maple leaf. As for further information id like to know hat kind of weapon you use to defend yourself against the horrors outside, even though that shit might be clear for my eyes to see, for some people it isnt. i inspect everything i need to in order of this god forsaken hole of people"

 

Dirk que'ed in on the animosity immediately, enjoying the fact that this DS guy could respond almost in kind to his sarcastically amiable banter. He popped his lips beneath his scarf, amused with the other. Though he still harbored a healthy amount of loathing for the system of documentation, he might be able to find some reprieve in DS if he phrased himself correctly. "My goldendays? Really, I wouldve hoped that a senior such as yourself would have enough intelligence to realize that Im not exactly a decrepid bro. Though if you'd like to relive your own of dominating the kiddie sandbox up through age ten, I'll be more than accomodating. Hell, i might even give you some twigs so you might dub your sandcastles' royally approved by the king of fools. The audience will roar, mistakably the audio of the recording will sound like my snoring. But I'll leave a pup like you to dream." He gave a half laugh, unsheathing his katana a third of its length before he let it slide back in. Both if his hands resuming their posts in his pockets. "Need I say more?"he had this match in the bag.

**Author's Note:**

> This rp was on cherubplay. (edit: I lost the account so the story is discontinued until i can retrieve the story)


End file.
